Tuesday, 16 February 2016

A Rainbow of Emotions

How I feel now, compared to how I felt this morning is a considerable contrast.

Last night I slept the best I have since I started school, because I finally had a clear head and started to settle. I didn't feel like I had 6 million things to do, maybe only 3 million. This could also be because one of my students yesterday told me she loved PE when I taught her, which substantially boosted my self confidence. So, today started wonderfully.

I co-taught two Junior Health classes with my colleague. She discussed our korowai (class contract), and I introduced the year outline to the students i.e. a basic understanding of the units we will be covering. Wow. The students were pretty close to 100% engagement! Yay, happy!

I had another awesome comment from a student, a young man, which reiterated how important the teacher is for a students' learning. He said to me;

"Hey Miss, this is the most fun I have had in a subject. You are really interesting to listen to. I wish my other teachers were like you!"

My heart melted. 

This is why I became a teacher.

However then my world flipped upside down. My timetable changed. I am losing some of my students I have made relationships with, and classes I have made a foundation to. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. For the rest of the day, my head was in the clouds, I felt so lost.

Things just didn't seem to get better. The day ended with a student swearing at myself and my colleague. Not ideal. And then I get home to mull things over and I have locked myself out of my house. Total, utter, sadness.

After crying on my Mum's shoulder for the first time in I don't know how many years, I knew I needed to gather my thoughts, clear my head and move on. So here I am. I am now starting to calm. In the bigger scheme of things, my troubles today are nothing. I just hit breaking point. I hit the wall. 

Life as a beginning teacher is tough, is challenging but is also incredibly gratifying when you have comments like the above. So now, my hurdle is to get through the wall. I am tired literally all the time, because I am giving 120% day in, day out.

Right now, it certainly doesn't feel like it, but I know today was a huge learning experience for me. I know, in hindsight I will look back and know how I am feeling is a little OTT. The world isn't going to end, I know that, but at the moment I feel like it is spinning in so many different directions. I just need some stability

Ironically, during this mornings (what felt) glorious lessons, I begun to teach the Maori concept, Hauora, to explain how health and wellbeing is complex. Is multidimensional. How one dimension of our wellbeing can significantly impact on other dimensions.

Then mine came crashing down.

But, where to from here? I need to continue to be resilient, among all of the changes happening in my life. Tomorrow is a new day.

Feeling similar? Don't worry, everyone does, as Gilles, Cramer and Hwang discuss here.

(Gilles, Cramer & Hwang, (2001). Beginning Teacher Perceptions of Concerns: A Longitudinal Look at Teacher Development, Action in Teacher Education, 23:3, 89-98, DOI: 10.1080/01626620.2001.10463079)

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